Travel Log  (Going Home)

  So it is time to move back to my house in Hobble Creek, Utah. I’ll make it in time for the Salt Lake City Olympics and just miss the Euro.   I left everything to Cheryl, as I always do, and she of course made sure that the kids got out of one school and signed up for another, that the piano got crated up for shipment by sea, and the kids toys got sent back by air.    

If she would have left it up to me, the kids would have been crated up for shipment by sea, the toys sent to the new school and the poor guys at British Airways would have been trying to get a grand piano in the overhead bin. 

British Airways was very nice to us.  American Express travel had mistakenly put Cheryl, Matthew and Katie in one row and me alone in another row.  I am not sure how that happened, but you know travel.   I am gold executive on British Airways so I get to check in at the first class counter even though we were flying tourist.  The looks and comments we got, made me feel like I was a homeless guy trying to sneak into the opera.  

 I assume the comments were because people traveling first class don’t pack all of their stuff in a twenty five year old Army parachute bag.  Cheryl hates it but it will hold a lot of stuff.   The very nice lady at the counter took one look at Cheryl’s face as I held up my hands and said, “You know travel, they don’t understand anything except business travel.”   The lady called and basically said I have a moron trying to check a parachute bag (which gives them some cause for concern, who knows why?)  He is flying with his family and they are not sitting together.  I only get to hear her comments so I couldn’t follow the whole conversation but you can fill in the other end by using your imagination.  

Lady:  He is Executive Gold, but they are not booked together 

Other End: @#$ @#$%  &#$!##,  *&@#$$$#***@ 

Lady:   I don’t know why?

Other End:  @#$ @#$%  &#$!##,  *&@#$$$#***@  #$##@  $%$#*&^%$

Lady:  About 8 and 4   (Matthew is 10, Katie is 5)

Other End:  @#$ @#$%  &#$!##,  *&@#$$$#***@  #$##@  $%$#*&^%$

Lady:  The kids seem well behaved. (She says, as she gives me a quick once over.)

Other End:  @#$ @#$%  &#$!##,  *&@#$$$#***@  #$##@  $%$#*&^%$

Lady:   Lots but at least we won’t have to worry about a damage claim; it looks like he used it in Vietnam.

Other End:  @#$ @#$%  &#$!##,  *&@#$$$#***@  #$##@  $%$#*&^%$

Lady:  Completely booked, Orlando Florida, Christmas, Tourist… Hello.   

Other End:  @#$ @#$%  &#$!##,  AS@H$LE #***@  D$MB  F%$#*& ^%$

 Lady:  I don’t know?  She looks a bit mad and (then she said something too quietly for me to hear)

Then, Katie bless her little heart, stood up on the foot bar, peered over the counter and said, “We are going to see Grandma. You’re pretty. My name is Katie. That’s my Papa; he is going to read me a story on the plane.”

Lady:  Bump them.

Other End:  AR#  YO@ OU$ %  F&C#$!G  OU+  &#  YO$R MI^D   *&@#$$$#***@  #$##@  $%$#*&^%$. *&@#$$$#***@  #$##@  $%$#*&^%$. *&@#$$$#***@ #$##@ BUSINES$ CL^$$ %$#*&^%$....

The lady behind the counter hung up the phone even though I could still hear some talking on the line.  She said to me, “We have you all together. Has anyone interfered with your bags or have your bags…”     

We got all 7 bags checked in, then Cheryl did a quick head count to make sure we still had two kids as the lady handed me the tickets.  Katie grabbed my hand and pulled me over to the security check in line, as she smiled and waved back at the lady behind the counter.   When we were out of earshot Katie looked up at me and with the face of an angle and the voice of the little girl on the Pepsi commercial and said, “So did we get bumped up to Business Class or not?” 

I really couldn’t tell we had 60J, 60K and 61J, 61K so we were not together in the same row but it was a 747 and that could mean that we were up on the top.   I looked over at the class and it said “Club World” which is Business on British Airways.  I scooped up Katie and gave her a big kiss saying, “Yep, Business.  I love you.”   She said, “No problem you just have to tilt your head when you do the, you’re pretty line.” 

Matthew was very impressed that he got to sit up top and in Business class.  He kept telling everyone and anyone, “I have never been in Business or on the top before.”  A little embarrassing but better than the wooden shoes story and I was sitting in Business class with him so I understood how he felt.

The flight was uneventful Matthew had his seat in every configuration they allow and a couple that I am sure the engineers did not plan on, like the seat back straight up footrest extended and a 70 pound kid balanced upside down on his head on the footrest.

Matthew was also happy that he got to see movies that had not come out in England yet.  I think the crew didn’t appreciate that he kept hanging over the seat and telling his Mom, “This isn’t even out in the UK yet, this one either, or this one.    These movies are all new.”  Katie just looked at him like he was a tourist and went back to her colouring book.

Twenty minutes out of Orlando the flight attendant handed me my big leather jacket and said, “You won’t be needing this, its 80 degrees in Florida and we expect it to go up a little today.” 

Part II.

We had a wonderful Christmas with the kids Grandparents in Florida.  Cheryl's Mom was just a bit too nice letting us take complete control of the four TV's in the house.  Matthew got a GameCube from Santa, which he then played right up until we had to fly out on Sunday.    When I was flying back to Florida from Utah on December  22nd the line through security was 3 1/2 hours long.  I finally went over to the American terminal and then walked back to the Delta terminal so it only took me an hour and a half.  

I was very worried about security since the news was reporting the story about the a guy who had tried to blow up the plane with this sneakers.  We decided to stay at the airport the night before our flight, but it was still painful when I told the front desk that we had a 7:10am flight out.  She recommended that we get a porter to pick up our bags at 4:00am.   Security is much tighter. We got picked for every kind of check you can name except for a strip search.  I did not bring any bags back to Florida since I had left a weeks worth of clothes at Cheryl's Mom's house.  It also meant I didn't pack a razor.   So a very tired guy, with a week's worth of beard, drags six old suitcases up to the counter after waiting in line for about an hour.  

I make the mistake of handing them the kids passports which are not signed, but of course have never been signed, when we traveled all around Europe.  I am sure I could have just handed them my Utah drivers license but it said make sure you have identification for all travelers.  The guy behind the counter looks at the unsigned passports and then tells Cheryl she must sign them.   He also starts pulling out the bag routing stickers, the only problem is they just seem to keep coming. He pulls them off the machine and sticks them to the side of the counter,  four, six, eight, ten, twelve, stickers.   Two stickers for each bag? 

He looks at my bearded face and says, "You been randomly selected to have all of your checked baggage hand searched."   Katie is to sleepy to help me, so I start to man-handle all of the bags out of the line we just spent an hour in, and into a new line, which we will hopefully only spend another hour in.  He looks closely at my reaction, I suppose to see if I look concerned about the extra search, but he only sees utter exhaustion.

A complete search is just that, a complete search. The agent went through 5 pairs of gloves and closely checked every embarrassing  item you could think of.   Matthew wanted to disappear when they started to unpack, inspect and then refold this underwear.  The whole thing took about 2 hours.

A 4 am start time, so it was about 6 am when we got in the security line for carry on bags.  I had to pull out my computer and then just before I walked through the metal detector the security agent asked me if I had, "Any metal, coins, pens, or a wallet?"  I normally put my watch and wallet in my bag and send them through the x-ray machine, but I was kind of tired.   I heard the wallet part and put it in one of the trays. behind my $4,000 laptop and in front of my coat.   I walked through still wearing my watch which of course did not set off the alarm. 

I am through the metal detector standing behind Cheryl  waiting for my  bag, wallet, computer, and coat when the an agent looks into my droopy eyes, stubbly face at what I am sure looked like a drug induced stupid grin and asked, "Is this your bag?"  I should have said, No, since it really was Cheryl's bag  but it had Novell on it and I was wearing a Novell shirt so I said, "Yes" in the most innocent voice I could muster after being treated like Yasser Arafat, trying to get into Israel for almost two and a half hours. The agent said, "May I search it?"   "Of course." said the world famous overweight, 45 year old international terrorist traveling from Orlando to Utah with his 4 year old daughter, 10 year old son and stunningly beautiful wife said to the overly perceptive underpaid security agent, while the three armed national guard soldiers standing behind him with their fingers on the trigger guards of their M16 assault rifles looked on.  

The agent picked up Cheryl's bag and walked over to a newly installed sniffer device that detects explosives.   My bag  which is still in the x-ray machine sets off some sort of alarm in the mind of  the other agent looking at the x-ray.  She calls for backup like she was on the set of  "NYPD Blue" I expect  Detective Sipowicz  to come around the corner and throw me to the ground.  She calls for backup again, I can see my wallet with about 400 bucks worth of mugger money * in it,  mine and my wife's since she would rather have me carry the muggers money when we travel together, I suppose so she can send the mugger over to me.   Any way, my wallet is sitting just out of my reach along with my laptop.   The third time she calls for backup, the agent that is dusting Cheryl's bag for explosives calls me over.  I look nervously back at my wallet since I don't want it to disappear  without at least a good mugger story to tell.  

I will provide some advice here, Do not look nervously at the X-ray machine when an agent calls you over to the bomb detection device and another agent is calling for backup.   The National Guard Soldiers flipped their M16's selector switches from safe to burst and looked at me with the same appreciation that a lion has for a wounded gazelle.    I decide that this is almost as good as a mugger story so I give up on my wallet and walk over to the first agent under the watchful gaze the three very interested Army guys.

The agent asked me where I am going, where I am coming from, and why.   I say I am coming from my Mother-in-law's house, I am going to Utah, because I have to.  He smiles, but you can tell it is not because he thinks I am funny.  He looks at the Army guys and says to me, "Please remove your shoes."  He wipes them down and I stupidly look back at the x-ray machine.   Of course I can not see the X-ray machine because I don't have x-ray vision and I am looking at the name badge of a Staff Sergeant Stoughton, who had his finger inside the trigger guard of his M16. I look up and say, "Hi. Where did you do ANCOC?  I use to teach at Benning and you look like one of my guys."  Which is of course was bold face lie since he would have to be the oldest Staff Sergeant in the Army to have been through my course.  It still worked, he flipped the selector back to safe and corralled his guys back to their old spot while giving the agent a "forget this guy" look.  

Just as he moved away I saw Cheryl scoop up my wallet computer and bag.  I smiled and looked back at the guy who let me put my shoes back on and leave.

We got to the gate with about 25 minutes to spare.  When we finally got to check in, I took Katie and Cheryl took Matthew.  I told her to just show her drivers license and not show any ID for the kids.   I when through first with no problems, but Katie my little blond haired 5 year old got picked for another random security check.  Of course since I was watching her my bags had to be checked.  There I was standing in my socks again, as they checked both of our shoes.   Katie thought it was fun.    Cheryl was right behind us since Matthew also was randomly picked so the whole family got to stand around shoeless, while the overhead bins filled up.    Cheryl asked me so how much travel are you going to do in your new job and I replied,   "A lot less than I was planning on doing three and a half hours ago."

* Mugger money is the money I recommend people carry, so when they are mugged the drug crazed mugger wants to quickly get away and buy more drugs.  I explain to my wife and mother that if you don't carry enough money a mugger might get mad and ask you something like, "Seven dollars, what are you nuts?  You have to have more than seven dollars.   I should shoot you, just because you pissed me off, Seven dollars!    Now if you have $200 dollars the mugger is more likely to think to himself, Danm I can really get high on $200 bucks,  Thanks lady.   (Back to the Story)