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Novell
Global Kick-Off
The wedding of Jodie Wilkinson and James
Stewart is in Edinburgh, Scotland on Saturday the
19th
November 2005. I tell all of my friends, "I come when I am
invited." so James decides to test the theory. He invites us
to
the wedding and after a lot of moving things around and working things
out we finally tell him that we would be honored to fly over to
Scotland in November and attend their wedding. One of the
problems that does come up is that the Novell Global Kick-Off meeting
runs
from the 11th of November through the 18th of November.
It is going to be tight and since this is a sales meeting I will be
tight most nights I'm there. No sleep, lots of
booze and 10 hour days sitting in one hour chairs. (Author
note:
Chairs are designed and sold based on the amount of time a person can
sit comfortably in them. These chairs were better than some but were
rated optimistically as "one hour .")
The sales meeting was global so I got to see all of my old friends
from EMEA. (Europe, Middle East, and Africa) I haven't seen
most
of them for at least three years. I dumped all of the travel,
packing, and arrangements on Cheryl except for the tasks that I stuck
Jodie with. I know, who is so insensitive, so crude, so
unsophisticated as to ask the bride to book a hotel for them while she
is
trying to plan a huge wedding at the Edinburgh
Castle, the answer, of course is "Only a rude insensitive
American."
My Mom comes down to watch the kids and I head off to the sales
meeting, nope I didn't spend any time with her either, remember the
insensitive part. I picked her
up from the
airport and then took off for a week to the sales meeting coming back
with just enough time to dump off my laundry, which I am sure my Mom
will
wash while Cheryl and I tour around Scotland. If you have not
recognized the theme yet, you are not paying attention.
The week before the sales meeting Novell decides to reduce cost by
getting rid of the area that I work in. I spend a little
time
wondering if I'll have a job and then a lot wondering what my
new job will be. I get told that my new job is; Linux
Partner Development for the Western United States which means a couple
of things; one I have a job, which is good, two that I love my new job
which is
also pretty damn good. It also means that after
being with
Novell for 15 years I am the "new guy". I know most of the
technical people in the West but almost no one else, and most of the
guys don't know me. I meet my new boss, we know each
other
well
enough to say "Hi" in the hallway but only that well. We
would still have to turn to someone else and ask, "Who is
that guy?"
One of the benefits of 15 years with Novell is that a lot of people
know me because I've had a lot of jobs. I've been the SE Manager for
Southern California, a
Business Strategist, Business Development for Consulting, Heading
up Corporate System Engineering and the Briefing Center, and I ran
System
Engineering in EMEA, so when I was walking back to the Hotel with my
new boss, I think he
was surprised at the number of people that stopped us to say, "Hi."
The
German's, Brits, Danes, Russians, Dutch, South Africans, Italians, just
about
everyone from EMEA except the French. I'm not sure
if that
was
because we didn't see anybody from France or because they were happy to
forget me.
Any
way it took a long time to walk back to our hotel. I also
kept
making plans saying, "We should hook up. I'll see you later.
Grab me when you have sometime. Lets do dinner."
and other
promises like that. This would come back to bite me on the
butt
later.
It is very hard to hook up at a sales meeting, they keep us very busy
and of course there is so much drinking that after the first 6 hours
you
tend to forget who you have spent some time with and who you haven't.
Time is running out and I haven't hooked up with a
tenth
of the people I wanted to. We had an awards dinner on Monday
night. My old area, the one that they got rid of, won a ton
of
awards, which was a little annoying in the beginning. but after
finishing
off the second bottle of claret it was more amusing than annoying.
Even I won an
award, Top BPE (Business Partner Executive) for North
America..
I had looked at my "attainment" 99.98% the "night" before at
2:30 in the morning after having a drink or two, so I was not expecting
to
get an award. It was a very nice way to get
introduced
to the new team. I got to stand next to Susan the President
of
the Americas but I think by then even she was thinking, "Doesn't this
ever end."
I didn't tell you this part of the story to brag, OK maybe a little,
but mostly to
setup for the next part of the story. The next day I get a
call
from Bill Noonan. He asked if I can meet him. I am
dropping
my stuff off in the room during the lunch break across the street.
It is raining
like maybe somebody should be thinking about getting the animals
together and building an Ark. I run back to meet
him were they are serving lunch. He doesn't know me
so is
surprised
to see a balding, soaked to the bone, fat, out of breath guy, barreling
up
to him. He says, "Hi, are you Tom?" but you can
tell by his
face he hopes he is wrong. I disappoint him by saying, "Yes,
I'm
Tom." He says, "Great." but it comes out more like "Damn."
He shakes his head and sticks out an envelope. Since we have
been doing layoffs for the last week or so, I sneak a peek at it to see
if it
is pink. He then swallows hard and says, "Ron would like you
to
sit with him at the basketball game tonight."
So
let me
set this up. I would rather stab my eyes out than sit
through
a basketball game. Bill seems to sense my
reluctance
but
assumes that I am smart enough to understand that the President of the
company saved a seat next to him and no one
would be stupid enough to turn down this opportunity. But my
stupidity has been underestimated before and I have never failed to
amaze
people with it's unplumbed depth. I have promised a bunch
of guys that worked for me in Europe to blow off the
basketball
game and
go to dinner with them. I have also approached Ron about a
position
that I heard about in China. I even talked to him about it over
the phone and this would be a perfect opportunity to impress him.
I think about how I had promised these guys since we
heard
the sales meeting was
going to be "Global" that I would hook up with them. I
couldn't
tell them that I blew them off because I wanted to suck up to the
president." I turned to Bill and said, "I'm really sorry and
very honored but I promised a bunch of guys that I use to work with
that I would hook up with them tonight. His amazement was
clearly
visible, He was nice enough to say, "No problem, don't worry about it,
I'll find someone else." Of course that he was shaking his
head
while he said it, didn't help. I was already having second
thoughts
when he said, "Don't worry I won't tell Ron." He left off
the implied "you're an idiot."
I regretted it pretty much the rest of the day. I was sitting
in classes that day shaking my head. The instructors
must have been very confused
to
see me shaking my head and mumbling under my breath, " What an idiot."
I called Cheryl and told her about winning the award and
then mentioned that I turned down an opportunity to sit next to Ron.
The phrase that she lovingly said to me would reoccur
every time and from everyone that I told the story to. I'm
sure
even those of you reading this are saying it now in your mind.
Go ahead say it out loud, "What an idiot." I lamely
explained I
haven't seen these guys for over three years, This was my
team.
I hired some of them, promoted them. I loved these
guys.
How could I tell them that I was going to blow them off. She
saw
my point and said, "What an idiot."
I walked over to their hotel, but was a little early. I
called
up
to Kevin's room completely terrified that maybe they were going to blow
me off which would completely ruin my story which as I added up the
columns was the only thing still firmly on the positive side.
I
keep thinking, "Well at least it will make a pretty good travel log."
Kevin comes down and we have a few drinks in the bar.
It
is 30 minutes after when we are all suppose to get together and it is
still only Kevin and I. People finally start to show up but
one
of
my
closest friends decides to blow me off and go to the game with his new
boss. He tells me later, "You understand, I couldn't not go
to
the game with my boss?" I say, Sure I mean I blew off Ron,
the
President of the Company but yeah I could see why you had to go with
your boss." He looked at me dumbfounded and said, "You blew
off
Ron? What an idiot." I looked around the rest of the bar and
the
people that I had managed for almost three years, people that I put my
neck on the line for time and time again looked back shaking
their
collective heads and said, "Sorry, you are an idiot."
We had a great night and I figured I had a free pass to drink
as
much as I wanted to because I had already proven that large quantities
of
alcohol couldn't impair my very limited judgment, it also helped
when someone else told the story and the person
hearing it,
even if they were completely wasted would look up from hugging the
commode and slur to me, after wiping the spittle from their mouth,
"What
are you an idiot?" I got back to the room at
about 3:30
am and checked my attainment since I was told a couple of deals I had
worked came through at the last minute. My attainment was now
74.8% so instead of going up, it had dropped 25%, another
reason
not to
skip the basketball game with the president of the company.
I couldn't tell Cheryl this part of the story since if I
really
did drop 25% Novell would be asking me to write them a check.
I
sent a note off to my old boss and to the CFO to check on the problem
and the message that came back was, "Tom's attainment is over 100%
and that the only way he could have seen the 74% number would have been
if he had checked it at 3:00 in the morning when the system was in the
middle of updating." The CFO was going to check on it since
he was
sure no one would be checking their attainment at 3:00 am. I
had
to send back a note saying, "The bars close at 2:00 am and after
stumbling back to my hotel it would have been about 3:00 am. when I
checked
it."
My fame or infamy grew as the conference continued. The story
got
better with each telling, some of them much more entertaining but two
things remained constant my name and the phrase "What an idiot."
Flight
to Scotland
I flew back to Fort Worth late on Wednesday and was never happier to
leave a sales meeting in my life. My flight out to Scotland was
Thursday. We did a belated birthday dinner for my son since
his
birthday was on the 13th of November. I told the story one
more
time to my Mom and my son. My wife shook her head and said,"Why did you
tell him that story?" The implied message being "What an
idiot."
In my defense it made him laugh and it is a good life
lesson. I'm writing this travel log on the plane as I jet
5000
miles from the disaster, happy in the knowledge that no one will know
about this since I will not publish this travel log until after I
return. I told every System Engineer on my team, all 85 of them, that
they always had a place to stay if they ever came to the states.
A lot more of them took me up on it when I lived in Utah then
do
now since I live in Fort Worth, something about the skiing being a bit
poor in Texas. I also told them that. " I come when I am
invited"
I have never looked forward to a wedding as much as I am
looking
forward to this one.
I booked the tickets on British Airways a couple months ago and booked
seats 37A and 37C not because I don't love my wife but because you can
always trade a window or aisle seat for a middle seat, but you can not
trade a middle seat for anything. This seemed to make the guy
at
the ticket counter mad. He said, "Some idiot didn't put your
seats together. I thought, "Damn even he heard the story."
I told him I booked it that way on purpose and he looked at
me
the same way Bill did. We waited in line behind a family with
a
screaming 1 year old. I snuck a look at
their tickets 36 D, E, F and 37 D. I'm thinking
maybe
nobody will trade seats with us. Luckily the person in 37B
was
traveling with her husband who was in 36B. The guy in the aisle didn't
want to trade seats with her which would have put him between Cheryl
and I for eight hours. He would trade for Cheryl's aisle seat.
So
we all playied musical chairs and got settled in. The guy we
moved
must still be a bit unhappy because he has been jabbing his knees into
my
back for the last four hours.
The screaming kid in 36D moved
seats just after take off so I'm not complaining too much.
The
mother and her screaming child wanted to move up to a bulkhead seat so
the cute little tyke could have room to play on the floor. The flight
attendant asked the guy on the aisle to switch with her but he
decided not to. The person in the middle seat said she would
switch since it was an aisle seat. I feel sorry for the poor
bastard. Now he has to sit next to the lady that he said no
to, which
I'm sure is a bit uncomfortable but if that is not bad enough he has to
sit next to the screaming kid and have the cute little rug rat playing
at his feet for 8 hours. The girl that traded seats has
watched a
movie and is now all curled up fast asleep. I know I'm an
idiot
but even I would have said, "You know now that I think about it I will
give that poor mother and her beautiful child my seat. It
might not
have worked but it would have been worth a shot, especially since I can
still hear the kid screaming, just barely, but it is good to know I'm
not
the only guy shaking his head saying, "What an idiot."
The flight is uneventful and coming into the UK is like coming home. I
have gone though UK immigration so often that I felt like "Tom Hanks"
in the terminal. We get in the wrong line at immigration
which is
very long and finally realized our mistake after waiting in it for
twenty minutes. We whisk though the correct line and the lady
behind the counter ask,"Why are you visiting the UK." I have
been
practicing my reply for the last twenty minutes and say, "We are coming
in for a wedding." She looks at me and waits for me to
continue.
I am not sure what else I am suppose to say. I thought it was
a
pretty complete answer, it implied that we were not coming in for
business, I guess unless we were wedding planners, but she obviously
wanted more information. She finally asked, "Who's wedding?"
I really didn't have the slightest idea what I was suppose
to
tell her. I was thinking, "I doubt she knows Jodie and
James."
I finally say, "The Stewart Wedding. We are going
to
Scotland for the Stewart Wedding." It might not be original but it is
at least believable. She looks at me with a look that made me
thankful she wasn't armed and said, "Friends or Family?" I
sheepishly answer, "Friends."
We were flying into Gatwick to change planes on the way to Edinburgh.
I assumed that since we were on an international
flight
that we would have to pick up our bags and go through customs, but
after
waiting for our bags for thirty minutes and standing in the customer
service line for another twenty minutes we discovered that our bags
were checked straight through to Edinburgh. "I know, what an
idiot." This little mix up also means that we are
outside
of the secure area and have to wait in another queue for almost an hour
and thirty minutes or because the UK uses the metric system, an hour
and a half.
I decide to change some money at the airport. I have a couple
hundred dollars worth of traveler checks that I have been carrying with
me for over eight years so I decide to swap them for British pounds.
I turn in $200 in traveler checks and get back
£100.02
Which I described as 100 quid and 2 shillings to Jodie which
she
reminded me would mean that not only did I not get a good exchange
rate but
I must have also traveled back in time since the UK hasn't done
shillings for well over 20 years. Either way it works out to be about
$2
to every pound. Since everything cost exactly the
same, for
example a burger at the hotel cost £10.95 that
means that
everything cost at least twice as much as it does in the States.
We have a nice short flight from Gatwick to Edinburgh and Cheryl asks
me, "What hotel are we staying at?" I tell her that I don't
remember since Jodie set it up for me. She was none too happy that I
stuck the bride with making our hotel reservations and that I was so
disengaged that I had not bothered to write down the name of the hotel.
She then asks, "How are we going to get a taxi to the hotel
if
you don't know the name?" I explain that James is
going to
pick us up. She is not pleased about this either since their
wedding is tomorrow and I have asked them to pick us up at the airport.
I misunderstand her annoyance and say, "He will be late, but
he
will pick us up." She says, "I wasn't worried about him being
late it is just rude to have them pick us up." Then she
thinks
about it for a few minutes and says, "He will be late?"
"Sure,"
I say, "he is always late but he will pick us up." This is
my
formal
apology - he was not late. He tells me that he was four hours
early. I'm not sure that is true and I sure hope it wasn't,
but
he was there when we stepped off the plane, in fact I walked right pass
him but then again I wasn't looking for him. I was sure he
was going to
be
late. I'm going to take credit because I did try hard to
impress
the fact that he shouldn't be late. He never was late over
the next couple of days that we
hooked
up, he was as punctual as "Big Ben"
Jodie was there as well, and I was feeling very guilty since I assumed
the Groom might not have much to do the day before the wedding but I
know the bride does. They drove us to the hotel the Best
Western Bruntsfield.
You can click on the thumbnail photo to see a better photo of the
hotel. I have stayed at a few Best Western hotels but none of
them were like this. It was very nice. The rooms were as
nice
as any hotel I have stayed at in Europe, it has a cozy pub on the
ground level and a very nice restaurant. Now I wouldn't be a
good
American if I didn't bitch about something so I was unimpressed with
the "Classic Hot and Cold faucets." They look great but I
think
they are better suited for a kitchen than a bathroom. The hot faucet
shot out steam like a Cappuccino machine and the cold dispensed water
that immediately turned into ice. To use them you either had
to
fill the sink or wave your hand from the cold to the hot, keeping your
hands under the cold long enough so that they were too numb to feel the
scalding
heat from the hot faucet.
James and Jodie not only picked us up but also asked if we wanted to
have
a drink at the pub. We cleaned came down with chapped and
blistered
hands
but it was very surprising to get to spend sometime with them this
close to the wedding. We chatted and they gave us a gift
of
some books about Edinburgh which made me feel even guiltier. After a
couple hours Jodie said to James, "Well we had better get going I have
a few things to do before the wedding tomorrow." I don't
know if
she is that organized or that gracious, but it was very impressive and
touching. When we got back to the room we realized that we
must have stunk because the
heater was off and the window was thrown open. Now normally I
wouldn't be
offended since sitting on an airplane for 12 hours waiting in a few
dozen lines, and not sleeping for 26 hours does tend to give one an
aroma,
but Edinburgh is also known as "Auld Reekie." It was
suppose
to be from poor sanitation in the old days and all of the
distillerys now. So when the hotel maid thinks that
the smell of bubbling gases and malted fermenting barley smells better
than
you do, you really do need to think about changing your cologne.
We burn our clothes, shut the window, turn the heat
back
on, and took a quick shower in the still freezing room. We
lay
down for a quick nap and by the time we wake up to the slamming of the
door outside our room that leads to the stairwell, which by the way
will be our seven a.m. wake up call for the rest of the week, it is
almost dinner time. We walk out towards the bar to find
James
and Jodie already there along with most of their family. James is
unceremoniously kicked out so he won't see the Bride
as
she gets ready for the wedding, the rest of us go to dinner at the very
nice hotel restaurant.
Wilkinson and
Stewart Wedding
Wedding, What can you say about a wedding in Scotland at the Edinburgh
Castle.  The
words "Great Venue" come to mind only because it
was said
so many times by so many people. Everyone said it
at least
once, no matter what else they said, " What a wonderful view.
What an amazing place. What a perfect place to have
a
wedding ." They would also always say, "What a
great
venue." I assume we all said it because
it was
true. Your wedding day is always memorable but this venue
has to
burn it in to your minds eye and I can tell you as a guest it
is
overwhelming. The castle has such history.
They have
just recently decided to allow weddings. To quote a old
movie
line, "If you have the means, I highly recommend it."
You will of course be mobbed by tourist, and if you have a piper and
what would a wedding in Scotland be without a guy playing the bagpipes?
He will be mobbed. I don't recommend wearing a
kilt unless
you can trace at least some long lost relative back to Scotland.
Luckily James' father really did come from Scotland and James was
able to
trace his Scottish roots back well enough convice the local Scots that
he was more than justified in wearing a kilt. Of course the
fading but still noticeable South African
accent
did
raise a few eyebrows as they looked for the old family home.
But he did pass the test and was able to show up at the
castle
with him and his boys wearing kilts. It
could have
been a
royal wedding with as many pictures and tourist who had to be shooed
away but it was very heady stuff. Like I said if you have the
means and even the slightest connection to Scotland I'd recommend
thinking about having your wedding at the Castle. You can
check
it out at: http://www.historic-scotland.gov.uk/index/weddings/edinburgh-castle-weddings.htm
Their wedding was at the Gatehouse
Suite. Which
was lovely. We got there a little early and I am afraid to
mention this, because I know how cheap many of you are, but if you are
going to a wedding in the Castle, you don't have to pay
admission.  You
just walk up to the guy at the gate and say,
"We
are here for the Stewart Wedding." Since this is Scotland
I'm
sure there is always a Stewart wedding. The name is as common as Smith
is in America. Sometimes it is spelled Stuart but
since
you will be saying it and not spelling it, it will not matter.
You
might
want to be in a suit when you say it, This will save you
£9.80 per adult and another £3.50 for
each kid you
want to sneak in. Cheryl made the mistake of
wearing high
heals which if you are just pretending to attend a
wedding would
be a
big mistake. I made the mistake of not remembering where the
wedding was going to be held. There are four locations; the
Gatehouse Suite, the Jacobite Room, the Queen Anne Building and St
Margaret's Chapel. We arrived early, because we always do,
so
the
guard at the gate sent us to St Margaret's Chapel where there
was
a wedding planned for 1:30 pm. Jodie and James' wedding was
suppose to start at 2:00 pm. It was before 1:00 pm, I know this
because the "One O'clock Gun" had not fired yet. I am an
American
but I assume that the One O'clock gun fires around 1:00 pm. In fact I
am pretty sure it is exactly at 1:00 pm. I know this because
we
saw the gunner checking the time with his mobile phone just before he
fired the gun. Any way sometime before 1:00 pm. we walked up to St
Margaret's
Chapel and saw that it was closed for a private wedding. The
man
at the front door asked us "If we were here for the wedding?" I assume
he asked because Cheryl was in a little black dress and high heals and
I was in
a suit. I'm sure it was a bit confusing when I asked who is
getting married. The guy answers, "Macgregor"
which I
would guess is another good name to use if you want to sneak into the
Castle without paying. This
meant
that poor Cheryl had to walk back down the cobblestone paths of the
Castle, she wasn't that happy and believed that I might have thought
of writing down the one location of the four, rather than just randomly
picking the one that was farthest away.
I told her to stay where she was and I would walk around and find the
proper place. She wasn't too happy about this because, as I was
informed, standing in high heals is just a bit less painful than
walking in high heals. I learned that the most comfortable
posture was sitting and even sitting in high heals is not what
you
would call comfortable. We found the Gatehouse suite which
was
conveniently located at the gatehouse, just past the drawbridge and the
guard who gave us directions to the Macgregor wedding. The
door
was
locked because we were early which I thought would allow us to walk
around and see the castle but having already had the "joy of high
heals" explained to me now that seemed like a bad idea. We
went
into
the gift shop and shopped which I understand is the second less
uncomfortable posture while wearing high heals. Alan, one of
my
friends kept an eye on the gatehouse and we headed over about 15
minutes before the wedding was suppose to start.
The castle as a venue is impressive enough but the Gatehouse is even
more impressive. The 19th century Gatehouse is situated at
the entrance to the Castle and is comprised of two adjoining
apartments.
The wedding ironically is in "The Court Martial Room." I could make a
joke but I'll leave that up to the reader. It is an ideal venue for
a wedding ceremony. There is also access to a private Terrace
providing a stunning backdrop for wedding photographs with
views
of The Royal Mile and The City of Edinburgh. You walk up a solid stone
tower steps, probably
not as impressive in high heals but I couldn't help but think of
Scottish soldiers walking up the same steps wondering how long it was
going to take to get those silly American rebels under control.
We got to the top of the steps and it opened into a wood paneled room
that also had an observation area that looked out over Edinburgh.
You could look down and see the draw bridge flanked by two
huge
flaming torches. The draw bridge of course covered the
obligatory
but still impressive moat. We watched as James, Kenny the
best
man, and James' sons; Neil, and Nicholas (Nick) drive up and got out of
their hired car to the delight of the crowd. The wedding
party was
in full Scottish kit, Kilts with the Stewart tarter, Sgian Dubhs tucked
into their socks,  although
Nick's and Neil's had plastic blades not sharpened steel. Which I think
their parents were happy about later since they did a bit of sword
fighting with them. They were also wearing Scottish Ghillie
Brogues the traditional shoe worn with Kilts. I'll have to
tell
a quick story here although I didn't learn about it until much later.
Kilts have a correct length and since they are worn by man
and
not by women that length has remained pretty constant and you don't
have to buy the latest copy of Vogue to figure out what the proper
length is this season. You check the length by knelling and
if
the bottom of the Kilt touches the floor in the front then it is the
correct length. Being men we are more worried about the length in the
front for obvious reasons. James tells me that while checking
the
length of his Kilt the sole of one of his Ghillie Brogues broke away.
He didn't have a replacement since a pair of wingtips just
will
not do. He also didn't want to flop down the aisle.
He
and Kenny made a mad dash to the mens' shop to get a replacement but
they were not open. In quick witted desperation he decided to "super
glue" the sole back to the shoe. I have to admit looking down
from the rampart it worked perfectly. Once Jodie walked down the aisle
in her beautiful gown no one would bother giving James more than casual
glance so he was pretty safe.
Once the piper joined James, Kenny and the kids the look was complete
and the presiding official had to beat everyone back to keep the
ceremony on track. She reminded me of an old Sergeant Major,
taking care of a new lieutenant, polite, organized and very firm, while
still allowing the wedding party to enjoy the day but not get side
tracked. She brought the men up to the Gatehouse
suite, then
laid down the law to the guest, "No flash photos, quiet until the kiss,
and that we were in a very historical venue so we should try to behave
as best we could." She then told us that the Bride
would
arrive when she was ready, it sounded like, "When she was good and
ready." but it was only when she was ready. James seated his
Mother, who had flown in from South Africa, and then seated his sons.
This being the first time they had worn Kilts and since you
have
all seen "Braveheart" you know what is worn or not worn under Kilts.
He said to the boys, "Keep your legs together."
which Nick
later commented he thought was meant for James' Mother not for
them.
The ceremony was the most intimidating ceremony I have ever attended.
Cheryl and I have been married for 28 years and I'm not sure I would
have
re-enlisted under those terms. It was all very legal, with the official
explaining what papers had been signed and what paperwork had been
filed and checked. I was most surprised to learn that you need
everyone in
attendance to agree that they think you should go ahead and get
married, so I would either have
to invite less people or at least be more selective since most of our
friends, really most of Cheryl's friends would have given into pressure
and
spoken up. Luckily we all thought that Jodie and
James were a perfect couple so the ceremony went on without a
problem.
James has never been a timid guy but he did seem to grow a little
uncomfortable at the wait from when he and Kenny came in, and when
Jodie showed up. Ideas of "the run away bride" had to be bouncing
around in his head, in between his comments to the boys about, "trying
not
to stab each other." There was an audible sigh of relief when
we
were told that Jodie had arrived. I'm not sure if it was from
the
guest or from James. She was of course beautiful her wedding
dress matching the room perfectly. She looked like a princess and I'm
sure many of the tourist thought she might have been. The Gatehouse
suite is cozy so the wedding march played by the piper had to be a bit
abbreviated. Jodie took a couple small geisha like steps and
then
gave up and took the final step up to James. My wedding
was one
long giggling fit as Cheryl said the vows between uncontrollable
giggles
mostly coming from her but I assume some of the guest thought the whole
thing a bit amusing. With the Sergeant Major in charge of
this
wedding I don't think giggling was an option. On funny moment
was when James trying to be sensitive or showing a lack
of confidence
failed to properly seat the ring on his lovely brides finger,
this earned him the rebut "push harder" from Jodie. A phrase
that
most guys
are happy to hear, but not during the ceremony.
There was
still a bit of paperwork to be completed so the new Mr and Mrs
Stewart left the room. The official came back in
walked
up to the the front of
the
room and announced very solemnly, "Now Ladies and Gentlemen
please become up standing for "Mr and Mrs Smith."
I assume it is because James still has a pretty
strong South African accent and Jodie showed up for the rehearsal in an
"England" football jumper. Now for my American friends the
Scottish are not that fond of England in fact they are the only
Europeans that seem to like the French since the French often were at
war with England at the same time as the Scots were fighting them.
It is not a good idea to show up for your wedding rehearsal
at Edinburgh castle wearing a "England" shirt.
Really it is not good to show up in Scotland wearing a
England shirt but it is especially bad form at the Castle. I
think the official just could not believe that James really was a
Stewart of Appin. He just looked a lot more like a
"Smith" We all laughed which I think confused and
worried Mr and Mrs Stewart who were just about to enter the room as an
official married couple.
Reception
The reception started immediately after the wedding in the adjoining
Ante Room, with drinks and canapés. It was a lovely
reception and after an hour or so, just at dusk we all went down to
have a photo of everyone at the wedding taken in front of the main
gate,
backlit by the torches. We piled into a string of waiting
taxis and were off to the hotel Bruntsfield.
There
we settled in for a long night of drinking and merriment.
Everyone in the room was trying to
windup Kenny Stewart, the Best Man, who although
he was seen taking more than
a wee bit of whisky from his flask, along with copious amounts of wine
served with dinner,
and a number of drinks from the bar still seemed to be a bit nervous.
All of this drinking is never a good sign because
we have all suffered through the drunken best man slurring out an
incoherent toast, that while it does embarrass the bride and groom,
doesn't really lift the mood.
This toast unfortunately was wonderful, it would have been much more
funny to be able to write how terrible it was but it had just the right
amount of humor and sentiment, so I
guess that proves that a Scotsman can hold his alcohol better than an
American.
The only embarrassing part is when Kenny blurts out that
James
has purchased his fifth guitar. He doesn't do it because he
is
drunk, he tells the story now because he assumes it is better for Jodie
to hear it while the bloom is still on the rose. Jodie
doesn't
seem all that amused which of course amuses us so either way it turns
out well.
I'm writing this part of the story as my wife softly snores in the
bed
behind me. It is 10:30 in the morning and while that means that it is
4:30 in the morning in Fort Worth, I believe it has more to do with us
staying up drinking until 3:30 in the morning than it does with our jet
lag. 3:30 am and the last people we said good night to was
Mr.
and Mrs Smith, so you know it must have been a great reception.
It
also means that if you want to seriously drink in the UK you should do
it at a wedding reception. The pubs close at
11:00
pm but if you are a guest at the hotel they will keep bringing you
booze
until whatever time you finally decide to call it quits.
Now
back to the
reception, James
does his speech and I am amazingly jealous. He has a funny
story
to tell about most of his guests. Really most of
them are
funny stories about himself that each one of us has shared with him.
The story that he shared about us was the time he bought a
very
special bottle of Vodka on a business trip we took together in
Poland, unfortunately we were traveling onto Russia to speak at
BrainShare the next day. The custom guys looked at James
like he
was out of his mind as they looked at the Vodka. I thought we
were going to end up getting stripped searched by these guys. When
we got into the taxi I said to him, "James, only you would try to
smuggle Vodka into Russia." I was touched that he
would remember that story and more amazed that he would be able to tell
that story on his wedding day along with twenty more about each of the
people that had been lucky enough to be at his wedding. Kenny
the
Best Man is married to Mary the maid of honour, and it tickled him to
make comments about how the best man was going to "score" with the maid
of honour. This was pretty funny only because all the married
couples knew it wasn't true. If you drink heavily and make your wife
the
center of most of your jokes you can be pretty sure you are not "going
to get lucky."
He also decided to break with tradition and wear a pair of bicycle
shorts under his Kilt. He mentioned this only after he had
flashed a number of ladies at the reception. Of course he
thankfully never flashed me so I will have to take the young ladies
word that all they saw was a pair of bicycle shorts. He told
me
that in November a man can not really feel like a man if he wears the
Kilt in the traditional way. I also assume that a man would not be
flashing
young ladies with the weather being as cold as it was since he would be
at distinct disadvantage to impress them so I believe him.
Tourist in Edinburgh
Sunday
We got a kind of late
start on
Sunday. Cheryl always wakes up
starving but since she slept in, breakfast was no longer being served
in the hotel. We dressed and headed out into a slightly overcast day.
The first mission every morning is to "feed Cheryl."
I
walked
her past a couple of places since they didn't have any tables and I
didn't relish walking along in the cold damp late morning air with a
slice of cheese in one hand and a loaf of bread in the other. We
finally found a small French Café which surprised
me until
I remembered that James told me the Scottish people actually like the
French. I didn't believe him but here was proof. We had a
soup bowl
of coffee and a Danish, which I thought was very international of us.
Here we were a couple of Americans in Scotland, sitting in
a French Café eating a Danish. I like to
walk, you
wouldn't think that a guy that weighs in at 15 Stone 10 pounds would be
a walker but I am. I think it lets you see more and
experience things better than you would from the back of a taxi, I'm
also
cheap. 
We walk back up to the Castle but since today I would
have to pay to walk around it and as I mentioned I'm cheap, so we walk
down
the Royal mile. We stop in to see if we can take the
"Mary Close
Tour" but it is booked solid for the rest of the day, so we continue
our
"force march." The Royal mile ends at the Palace of
Holyroodhouse
which
I thought was called Hollywood the first time we visited because the
Scottish accent is a bit hard to follow when you are a dumb to the bone
American. It was built as a monastery in 1128 so of
course
has a pretty deep and long history. It is the Queen's
official
residence in Scotland but it was also the official residence
of Mary,
Queen of
Scots, which didn't end all that well for her.
The Holyroodhouse residence is
across the street from the New Scottish Parliament Building which has
been so badly received that the description on the web just says;
New Scottish
Parliament Building
Designed by Catalan architect Enrico Miralles, opened in 2005
 You
have to admit it is a pretty silly looking building, built for way
too much money, way over budget, and it fails to fit architecturally
into
the environment. The only positive thing about it is, that it is not in
America. No one can tell me why they decided to put bent
sticks around the windows.
To the right of both of these
buildings is Rascal Road. It's called that because it was one of the first
"public works project" really it was a way of putting all of the trouble
makers to work. They built a trail that steeply climbs the
hillside next to the town. It has wonderful views but since
it
was pretty overcast that day I didn't get any photos that were keepers.
We climbed to the top and waited for the Sun to break though the
haze, which it did just after we had given up and hiked back down.
We
stopped at a coffee shop on the way back up the Royal Mile which was
next to a Starbucks, but I refuse to buy coffee at a Starbucks in
Scotland. I think we stopped because Cheryl was getting a bit tired,
not
because the gallon of coffee we had at breakfast was wearing off.
We did a little shopping, Cheryl wanted a necklace. The
problem is that she is cheap, but has excellent taste, so you have to
shop for a very long
time to find something good enough and cheap enough for her, which is
the problem. I really don't have a problem with her being
cheap.
It is a prized attribute for a wife and I thank my lucky stars every time I
realize how cheap she is.
We went to a place for lunch that was an American restaurant but in our
defense it didn't look like an American restaurant. Cheryl
ended up ordering a burger and fries since their wasn't
much else on the menu. I ordered poppers (deep fried
jalapenos stuffed
with cheese) and some god awful soup. Not your traditional
Scottish fare. I did eat haggis at Breakfast four out of the
six
days we were in Scotland so I don't feel too bad about mistakenly
eating at an American restaurant.
We shopped and walk around some more until dinner time which for us,
because we are old, is around 5:00 pm. We made sure we didn't go
to another American, or French place so ended up
at Deacon Brodie's Tavern. I had a wee dram of Whisky
and
Cheryl had a pint along with a nice pub meal. The
place is
suppose to be the inspiration for Robert Louis Stevenson's Dr.
Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, since Deacon Brodie, was a good citizen by day
and a robber by night. It was a very nice meal. We were
suppose to hook up with James and Jodie the next day and then all of us
were going to get together with Mary and Kenny for Dinner at the Scotch
Malt Whisky Society. I wasn't sure this was going to happen
because the plans were made in kind of a drunken haze very early in the
morning at the reception. We walked around some more that
night
and then headed off to bed, as good senior citizens are suppose to
do.
Monday
We found a message slipped under our door saying that James was going
to come by and pick us up around 10:00 am and take us on a tour of the
local distiller. I have been to Scotland a couple of times but have
never visited a distiller before and was really looking forward to it.
I was a bit afraid that solemn promise was made
after drinking just a
bit too much whisky so James might have forgotten us. He also
had
a few other things on his mind with the wedding and honeymoon so I was
prepared to be disappointed but James has never disappointment before
and his record remains untarnished. We drove by
their old
house that looked out over the bay it was very pretty but I assume it
could get a bit windy . It also had a great view. We
then stopped off at the local pub. A great old place tucked off the
side
of the main road. Of course the main roads in Scotland are
about
as wide as my driveway in Texas so I was pretty happy James was driving
us around. The inside of the pub was light an airy something
you
don't see a lot in the UK and the owner came over to our table and
chatted with us about the wedding. We commented on the
sayings
that she had stenciled along the top of the pub's ceiling. She
said she didn't like a lot of clutter and bric-a-brac so she
thought they would be a nice change, one read; "The difference between
genius and stupidity was that one of them has limits." My
favorite said, "Ne'er drink Whisky wr'oot water and Ne'er
drink
water wr'oot whisky" or in an American accent 'Never drink whisky
without water and
never drink water without whisky." I always drank my Whiskey
"neat" and spelled it with an "e" When we toured the
Distillery
I learned I was wrong on both counts, a splash of water brings life to
a dram of Whisky and I'm not going to argue with a Scotsmen
about how to
spell Whisky.
We finished up our drinks and headed over to James new house.
We
drove by one of about 50 golf courses I had seen in
Scotland. I
was kidding James that I didn't know Scotland had so many golf courses.
He told me, "Any land found not suitable for Golf
wil be
reclaimed for agricultural use." He
showed us around
the
new house. James had removed a couple thousand cubit feet of concrete
in the back garden and replaced it with lawn. He was turning
the front of the garage into a storage shed and the back into
a den / music room, "some place to hang
his five guitars." In the kitchen their was a box with a new
Amp
just purchased from e-Bay. Kenny had mentioned the fifth
guitar
but had either not known about or was smart enough not to mention the
Amp after seeing Jodie's reaction to the guitar.  The
four
of us piled into James' car and we headed off to
the Glenkinchie Distillery. This distillery is a lowland
distiller
which means that it makes a dryer Whisky. The highland whisky
is a bit sweeter and
the Islay whisky is more peaty. I assume that Irish Whiskey
(They
do spell it with the "e" by the way) is also peaty but I was told by
a Scotsman that they would only drink Irish Whiskey
if they
ran out of water. We learned all about Whisky, no where in
the UK
do they call it Scotch. If you want a Scotch you ask for a
Whisky.
I assume in Ireland you would get Irish Whiskey and that it
would be
rude in either country to order the Whisky from the other.
The
distillery we toured doesn't export their malt it is used in blends,
like Haig, Johnny Walker Red and Black
Label, Buchanan and Dimple. I did pick up a very nice bottle of double matured 18 year
old lowland Edinburgh single Malt Whisky.
You
shouldn't drink any Whisky younger that the youngest girl you would
date. I stuck James with buying the
tickets since
I assume I had not imposed on them enough already having them book our
hotel, pick us up at the airport,
driving us around, taking us for a tour of their old home and new home
and then finally taking us
out for dinner. I found later while James
was driving
us around his mother was stuck taking a bus into town.
He
also picked us up a couple of
very nice
Whisky glasses as a thank you for abusing them both. It was a
very enjoyable day and we still had dinner at the Whisky Society to
look forward to, if Kenny remembered his inebriated offer.
Jodie told us a funny story as we road into Edinburgh. She
said that she wanted
to know what the Hairy Cows that you see around Scotland were called,
so
she asked one of the local farmers. He told her they were
called "Hairy Coo" Which of course is just how Hairy Cow
sounds
with a Scottish accent. She was unimpressed thinking that he was going
to tell her something like they are called a Scottish Highlander or
other
official name. I suppose if you show up for your wedding
rehearsal
in Edinburgh castle wearing an England shirt you can't expect the
locals to do much more than goof on you when you ask what a Hairy Cow
is called. It is by the way a Scottish Highlander
and  is
the oldest registered
European beef cow. They have been around since
the sixth
century. Of course I have never heard of them called anything but
"Hairy Coo." We were a little early for dinner and
I was
still wondering if Kenny was going to remember his drunken promise to
take us to the Scotch Malt
Whisky Society. I was counting on his wife Mary remembering.
I assume it is one of those things were you wake up and
say,"I
know I promised somebody that I would take them to the Whisky Society
but I can not remember who?" I was counting on the sober wife to
remind him that it was. "Cheryl and Tom, the goofy American couple."
Since we were early we stopped at Starbucks. I know it doesn't make any
sense and what is worst I don't really like coffee.
It was
kind of nice because I got a "tea cake" and tea. I can not
really order tea in the US without coming off as a little gay.
I
assumed I would be OK in the UK. Now that I think
about it, because of my American accent I'm sure the guy behind the
counter assumed I
must be gay. He knows that we all drink coffee. He smiled at
me and I did get
a "Venti" for the price of a "Grande" so either way it worked out.
We showed up at the Whisky Society and were informed that Kenny and
Mary had not arrived yet, and that they were not going to be serving
dinner since the dinning room was reserved for the theater crowd.
I have to admit I was getting a bit nervous but then
they said well if he is a member he is most likely upstairs in the
lounge. We walked up stairs and no Kenny or Mary but they
did
have a very impressive bar. I assume even if this is the worst
case
scenario it was still going to be a pretty damn good night.
We ordered a couple of
drinks, just as Mary and Kenny arrived. I lived in
Europe for almost six years, three in Germany and almost another three
in England. I have never been so well hosted as we were in Scotland.
Kenny and Mary came straight over from work. I'm sure it was
not high
on their list of things to do that night.
They helped us pick
out the right Whisky and recommended a wonderful meal. We eat in
the casual atmosphere of a place that I never would have dreamed I
would be allowed to visit. We were sitting in Edinburgh
Scotland listening to Mary's lovely Scottish lilt as we drank
fine
Whisky inside the Scotch Malt Whisky Society lounge. I, of
course,
stuck Kenny with the bill since as you know I'm cheap.
James and Jodie dropped us back at the hotel and we said our
goodbye's. They were going home to get ready for
their
Honeymoon. Five days in New York City and three days in Toronto.
Going to
the Northeastern part of North America in November is really a smart
move, most
people head off to the Bahamas or Hawaii. That doesn't make
any
sense if you are in the Bahamas your wife wants to lay out on the
beach,
in New York City your wife wants to cuddle in bed for the whole
week.
Tuesday
This is our last day, we leave on Wednesday on a 6:00 am flight so we
are going to transfer to the Hilton at the airport. We check
out
of the room and drop our bags off with the bell hop. I want
to
see the Royal Yacht Britannia and Cheryl wants to do some shopping for
the kids so we walk down to the Mall. We look at a map in one
of
the book stores and decide that we can walk to the Britannia because
I'm cheap. It is kind of funny to be the cheapest guy in a country
known for being frugal. The phrase I heard was, "The Scott's
have
deep pockets and short fingers." So we started on our "forced
march" to the Royal Yacht Britannia. It was not a great idea.
One, I was too cheap to buy the map so I wasn't positive
where I
was going. Two,it was a lot farther on the ground than is appeared
on the map. I also have a tendency to walk faster when I'm
lost,
so even though I may not be going the right way I am making good time.
This means that I was not only slightly lost but I was also
pissing off Cheryl. She keeps hinting that maybe we should
take a
Taxi. It was subtle things like, "Why don't we take a taxi." and
"We are taking a Taxi back!" We made it
there after a couple of hours and then did the self guided "walking"
tour. I think it would have been better if I had
not
already made Cheryl do a 25 mile road march. It was
interesting
and I clearly understood that some jobs suck more than mine.
I
don't think I could change my uniform 12 times a day and spend months
on a
ship trying to be as unintrusive as possible to the royal family.
We also did the "Mary Close" tour which brings you under the
city and
shows you how the poor lived in Edinburgh hundreds of years
ago.
It isn't
amazing how many people died of the plague, it is amazing that everyone
didn't die. People were crammed together in unheated rooms
with a
bucket in the corner as the toilet. This was emptied by the
youngest member of the
family into the street along with buckets from hundreds of other
families. Then the 12 people that lived in the room would
come
home walk back in from the street and go to sleep on the
floor.
It was then time to head back to the to hotel collect our bags and head
out to the Airport Hilton. The Hilton cost £29 a
night
more than Bruntsfield and I'll clue you in, it was not worth it.
If
I would have known I would have stayed at the Bruntsfield and just got
up a little earlier. I didn't sleep at all since we
had to get up
at 5:00 am and I never sleep well when I have to get up that early.
The walls were paper thin so I could hear the television in
the
next room as if it was in our room. We tried to eat early
but
the restaurant wasn't open yet so we ended up eating in the smoky bar.
On the way out of the bar Cheryl stopped to buy a cookie and
it
cost $8.00 which I have to say as a cheap guy is more than I would
pay for cookie. I was also annoyed that the Hilton
decided that I should contribute £1 to the Hilton Foundation.
There was a card in the room that read, "To
facilitate your
donation a optional £1 has been added to your bill.
Guest
who prefer not to donate to ChildLine are able to remove this donations
from their bill easily by calling 0800.1111" If
you read
the Hilton phone rates you notice that "0800 numbers and Charge cards
will be charged at 90p per call. So if you want to save 10p
and
take 90p from Childline giving it to the Hilton in way of
phone charges
you can call. If you want to find out what the heck
Childline
does you can pay £15 (about $30) to get Internet access and
go to www.hilton-foundation.org.uk
I'm not really complaining because it was
worth the $2 bucks to be able to
complain about it in this travel log.
I will not bored you with the details about the flight home, it was
pretty
uneventful. It takes an extra 2 hours to fly back because of the jet
stream. Two hours extra of screaming kids, and movies that I have
already seen. Except now I am watching them on an 8 inch
screen. I am not trying to say that 8
inches is small, I have been trying to convince Cheryl that 8 inches is
very large for the last 28 years so I'll end on that note.
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