We do women love Widower's


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Romance
"Why is the most romantic character a widower."

Sunday 24th Sept 2006

I have always found it funny that the most romantic thing to a women is a dead wife. I know that sounds terrible and it is not romantic to husbands so don't blame us. For some reason women love a dead wife. To phrase it more delicately they find "Widowers" very romantic. I guess they grew up on it. Two of the hit shows when I was a kid were based on Widowers, The Courtship of Eddies Father, and The Andy Griffith show. It doesn't seem to be as popular on TV now. Today's shows are more likely to about an overweight kind of dumb guy married to great looking, smart wife. I suppose because this allows a woman to believe that she is not the only great looking smart wife stuck married to overweight, balding, dumb guy, I know my wife can identify with it. It also allows us guys to fantasize about how an overweight, balding guy can be married to great looking wife.

Today it is not television that loves a widower, it's movies and books. There has to be thousands of romance novel's that have the widower as the male lead. Two of the top romantic movies are about Widowers; Sleepless in Seattle and Return to Me. I won't explain "Sleepless in Seattle" if you haven't seen it yet you would have stopped reading long before now. "Return to Me" is much more fun to talk about. They introduce the wife in the beginning of the movie. She is smart, successful and drop dead gorgeous. They show the two of them dancing and deeply in love. The next scene they show, the husband is covered in her blood. I couldn't help but look over at my wife to see how she was going to react. It seemed more like a scene from a horror movie then from "Chick Flick." Cheryl was deeply moved. She had tears in her eyes, but most of all she wanted him to fall back in love as quickly as possible. I think women can't stand to see a good man wasted. There as so few of them around. It is like taking the "Hope" diamond and dropping it in the back of some dresser drawer to gather dust.

I don't really get it. I was thinking,don't women want you to swear off all other women and never remarry? It's a trick question right up there with, "Do I look fat in this?" You never answer that one truthfully, unless she doesn't look fat in it., which in the case of my wife is always true. The other trick question is, "If I die will you remarry?" This one is even tricker since they'll ask it in a way that makes it sound like they want you to say something like,"Of course I would. Our marriage has been so wonderful I couldn't imagine not being married." Be warned, they don't want you do say that. They want you to say, "Darling I couldn't imagine life without you. I could never marry someone else. Even if I thought about getting married again, which I wouldn't, it wouldn't be fair to the woman." This is an important point never call her, " your next wife" always refer to her as "The woman", and please for the love of God don't have a woman in mind when you say it because she'll know. The worst part about this question, is your wife will never ask it at the breakfast table. She'll always ask it just as you about to fall asleep. You'll be three quarters asleep and your wife will ask, "If something happened to me and you were alone with the kids how long would you wait before you thought about remarrying?"

It is so unfair, first you're almost asleep so you're not at your best, second she tossed in the kids and third she said, "how long before you thought about remarrying." This is classic misdirection. It is like when the magician has you look up his sleeves while he is palming the coin into his pocket. You might believe that she is looking for the truth. She isn't. She wants you to say. "Darling I couldn't imagine life without you. I could never marry someone else. Even if I thought about getting married again, which I wouldn't, it wouldn't be fair to the woman." That's it, don't say anymore. Don't explain that maybe in twenty years or if the kids picked out someone, or anything else, just as stupid. I have been married for almost 30 years the answer to the first question is always a quick and decisive, "No. it doesn't make you look fat. How could it." The answer to the second is, "Darling I couldn't imagine life without you. I could never marry someone else. Even if I thought about getting married again, which I wouldn't, it wouldn't be fair to the woman." Then pretend to fall asleep.

If she does ask a follow up question, and unfortunately, my friend ,she will, you can use the "woman" line I strategically placed at the end of the answer for you. Say, "Honey can you imagine the poor woman that got stuck with me after you. She would always know that I had lost my one true love. I would constantly be making the mistake of saying something painful about how I missed the way your hair smelled or how I missed laying in bed with you while we watched Sleepless in Seattle." After you say that, roll over, shut up and pretend to fall asleep. Don't go on and on about it, your mission is to disengage as quickly as possible with as few casualties as possible. Sorry if your wife read this article first, but don't be too worried because the line will still work. It is like telling her that she doesn't look fat even when she is 8 months pregnant, she doesn't want hear the truth she just wants to believe that you believe it.

Everything I told you so far is true, so this is why I never got the Widower thing. Until the day Cheryl was yelling at me for doing something stupid, like using the guest towels. I said, I was sorry and I told her, "You should trade me in for a new husband." When she said she had invested too much time in my training and didn't want to start over with someone else. I finally got it. There is nothing romantic about a dead wife, if you're the dead wife, but on the other hand nothing is better than getting some other dead wife's husband. Women want a guy who can be trained, who knows how to commit, and who is capable of a long term loving relationship. You know until death do us part. A widower has passed all of those tests with flying colors.

They don't want a a 45 old year single guy. They don't want a divorced guy, but he has more potential than a 45 year old single guy. They don't want a guy who is currently married, but I think even a married guy still rates above the 45 year old single guy. Their perfect guy is some other dead wife's husband. They want a widower.

My wife told me as much , when I said, You could always marry a Widower, they are already trained." Her, much too quick, response was, "Do you know how hard it is to find a good widower?" I have to confess that I didn't, but I now understand that they are pretty rare and they don't stay on the shelf very long. A Widower is the perfect guy. He has proven he can commit. His first wife has probably done most of the hard work of getting him to put the toilet seat down, taking out the trash, and most importantly taught him that he will never win another argument. A single guy is most likely gay, or so set in his ways that he is untrainable. A good friend of mine once told me, "I'm looking for a wife that will watch football with me, go out to bars at night and play a couple games of pool while we get hammered. Someone who doesn't care if I pick up around the house or if I leave the pizza box on the counter and eat out of it for breakfast the next day.". I told him, "Good luck with that. You know the only thing I can't figure out is why some gorgeous trophy wife hasn't already snapped you up already. Oh that's right because you don't have a billion dollars." It was just a couple of months after that conversation that he moved to Thailand. I assume because you don't need a billion dollars in Thailand to score a trophy wife.

Divorced guys are a poor substitute for a widower. They have the advantage of having lower expectations. They don't expect to win any arguments and if they did feel like they still might win an argument, the divorce attorney and judge most likely cured them of that misconception at the end of the first marriage. The problem is that picking up a divorced guy is a like picking up an old dog at the pound. It makes you feel good that you are saving him from getting put to sleep and he should already be house trained. The issue is that you don't know why he ended up there. If he was a good dog the previous owner would have kept him. The additional problem with a guy verses a dog is while most guys are dogs most apartments complexes will still take guys, so they didn't end up discarded because the previous owner had to move. Divorced guys also only come with half of their stuff while widowers come with all of their stuff and maybe a little extra. A widower can come with a great bedroom set and maybe even a full set of china. A 45 year old single guy will never come with a decent set of dishes and if he does then he is differently gay. Divorced guys are lucking to come with all of their Marriott points, no way did they get out of the last marriage with a bedroom set that you would want.

Married guys are a strange mix. They're fun to date because they still have all of their money. They treat you really nice since they know you can always turn them into a "Divorced guy." They want to prove to you and themselves that they are a stud, so will try and put you first in the sack. They will let you keep dating or they'll pay for your apartment. If you are dating a married guy and don't know this it is a rule, feel free to tell him I told you that you can differently date unless he's paying for your apartment. If he is paying for your apartment you can still cheat on him but he might stop paying for the apartment if he catches you. That won't happen every time since he has a wife and might decide that paying for your apartment is still cheaper than losing half his stuff, it might hurt the relationship though. The other nice think about dating a married guy is they are very easy to break up with. The real problem is sooner or later he is going to get caught and then you will have to dump him or you are stuck with the divorced guy.

So now that I understand why widowers are so romantic to women, I'd be happy to clue the women in, we don't find widows romantic at all. This shouldn't surprise you since we don't find anything romantic, expect for the stuff you tell us is romantic. We don't get flowers, cards, long walks on the beach, or moonlight. You have to remember we thought sexy lingerie was romantic until you explained that it was more a gift for us then for you. We think moonlight is good for taking the last shot at a deer just before heading into town for a beer. The rest; flowers, cards, and long walks on the beach are completely lost on us. We give them to you because we think romantic is code for you sleeping with us and we know if we don't, you won't.

Widows scare us. We watch nature shows, we know about Preying Mantis and that the most dangerous spiders are called black widows. We wonder how the first husband died and we always suspect the wife. If your husband dies, lie to the guy and tell him you're divorced. We like divorced women. In fact once we hit 40 we like divorced women the most. They have very low expectations. We assume they are easy, I don't know why but trust me we think they're easy. We know they have all of their stuff and half of his stuff. We assume they won't drive us nuts planning a huge expensive wedding. Next on the list is 18 to 20 year old girls, (come on you had to have seen that coming. ) We like 18 to 20 year old girls because they don't know much,so we look smart in comparison. They're also firm, pretty, and show that we are doing well financially, or why else would they dating a 40 year old guy. They are much better for the ego than a new sports car, or a boat. Next we like 45 year old single women because we don't care if she's gay as long as she can pretend not to be gay once a week. If a 45 year old single woman isn't gay, that's even better because they are ready to settle. Lets face it girls, if you're a 45 years old single woman and you want to get married you don't get a lot of choices.

Married women really don't attract us that much but they are still better than a widow. Life is complicated enough so dating a women with a husband doesn't hold much appeal. It is also a firm and unbreakable rule that you can not date a friends wife. We don't know many other women so it is hard to find a married women. It's not really worth the effort. A married women can always lie and say she is divorced which moves her to the top of the list. It is also a pretty good lie since most married women that date are going to be divorced sooner or later. So that still makes our very last choice a widow. As I said they scare us, but lets say that you have a doctors note that explains that you couldn't have killed him, we still know that you will always be comparing us to your first husband. The memory of him sitting on the couch and scratching himself will be buried with him but the fact that he always remembered your anniversary and helped around kitchen will hunt us until the end of time. I think this order is so firm in most guys psyche that I'd recommend marrying one of your friends and divorcing him just so you can honestly tell the guy at the bar that you are divorced.

I hope this has been helpful. Guy's if you remember anything remember:

Darling I couldn't imagine life without you. I could never marry someone else. Even if I thought about getting marrying again, which I wouldn't, it wouldn't be fair to the woman.

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